Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Staying Authentic In An Artificial World


Published By:  |www.GayGuys.com

In a place that is so filled with fake people, it is not surprising that most aspects of the world eventually follow. It’s easy to see things in TV, at the movies, or in the magazines and get mislead into thinking that this is how you need to be as well. It’s not. In fact, the world gives much more respect to originality – that is, after all how most celebrities get famous to begin with.

There is no one else in the world like you. Be the one that gets imitated – NOT the one doing the imitating.

Our adolescence is the most crucial time in our lives. We discover what we like and don’t like, characteristics in people that we can handle and not handle, issues that we agree with and not agree with. As young adults, it becomes much more easier to get swayed in many directions, especially when we are befriending other curious thinkers who are contemplating their stance in the world. Eventually, we need to make a decision. Otherwise we will be flip flopping all our lives and never move forward in our individual paths.

Here’s the trick that we all must learn. We must first learn how to separate our intuition from our intellect. In other words, our intuition is the first feeling that we get. Oprah calls it the “gut feeling” moment. This is usually the right way to go, but before we even have time to relish in it, we shoot it directly into our brains, or intellect. Soon we are rationalizing it, picking it a part little by little and eventually over-thinking all the details. We get completely confused at which way to go, and then it becomes a problem. Over time we often forget where we stood with the issue and it soon develops into an emotional battle.

Not that there is anything wrong with rationalizing. In fact, rationalizing is one of the greatest things we can have as adults. The habit, however, is not to depend on it. Not everything needs as much rationalizing as you think. Sometimes, our intuition is the only tool we have towards being happy. When we go against our core feelings, obviously the contentment with our decisions starts to combat each other.

This is a huge dilemma in the gay community. Most gay men know that they’re gay at an early age, and eventually our intuitive knowledge is met with the world’s intellectual reasoning of what’s moral and immoral. As we begin to grow, it infects our understanding of who we are. The battle scars are still there when we are adults in most cases. Take this journey of self discovery towards other phases in your life – grow from it.

The more you listen to your intuition, the further you will be in living your authenticity. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore it. At least acknowledge the fact that you felt something. Learn to say no! Saying yes all the time will only get you in the habit of ignoring your opinions on things. Know what you stand for and be true to that. Don’t change your tastes, because you feel these things for a reason.

There’s nothing wrong with trying new things, but pretending to believe in something or faking your liking to something, just to please others, is going to affect your happiness.

Your authenticity is the only thing you have in this world that separates you from the cattle. How many times have you seen someone walk through the doors and instantly, you are captivated by their confidence? Seeing someone who is totally themselves naturally invites the world to see it. Most people ache to have that quality and to see it in another, is inspiring to them.

The only way you will find yourself is if you start listening to yourself. Don’t ignore your truth, flourish it and make it ripen. Your life will be much more plentiful because of it.

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Monday, January 27, 2014

The 16 Reasons You Need To Drop Everything And Travel Right Now

There’s a characteristic of our generation that can only be described as severe restlessness. I am not specifically referring to the number of friends you have who are prescribed Adderall; although that’s definitely another cultural trend I could discuss in length. What I’m talking about is a restlessness of the soul, the wandering spirit, a culture of nomads.

We’ve been bred on this notion that we are going to do it differently than our parents; we’ll be adventurous, experience life to the fullest. We’ve sat over lunch with our friends choosing our post-graduation plans, always teetering over the line of what we knew as the safe choice and what we knew as the adventurous, spirited one. We talked about living in Brazil in a house by the beach, spending days on the hammock and driving taxis at night.

We thought about moving to London, buying expensive rain gear and renting a studio on Piccadilly Circus. Of course every woman dreams of giving it all up and finding a cozy flat with a view of the Champs-Élysées, spending weekends sitting in corner cafes and eating macarons by Place de la Concorde. But reality always sets in and ruins the daydream.

Many of us have chosen the road more traveled, giving into the societal pressures of securing a job and a 401k. We’ve resigned ourselves to desks with a window seat, looking out on the cold streets of our increasingly disillusioned present. Sometimes, in between deadlines and Facebook stalkings, we find ourselves thinking about that corner bistro in Paris or the cozy hammock in Brazil. We let our minds wander to the wet streets of London and the architectural beauty of Prague. Then we begin to wonder, “What the hell am I still doing here?”

Whether you have this realization once a month, once a week or even once a day, it’s one too many. Your life is fleeting, and your youth will pass even quicker. You are too young to be settling for the nine-to-five, and there should be nothing holding you back from doing what your innermost urges tell you. So stop whining to all your friends and be the adult you claim to be; buy yourself the next ticket to anywhere.

You’re young
Life moves fast and there is no better time to pursue those inner urges than in your 20s. This is the freest you will ever be, unshackled by the chains of mortgages, insurance policies and general responsibility. You are responsible to no one but yourself and your own whims. Now is the time to stay up until 5 am as the waves of the Moroccan beach spray your tanned, toned body. Now is the time to eat whale testicle at a local dock in Seoul. Now is the time to fall in love with everything and anything.

You’re more willing to take risks
With less to lose, there’s more to gain. Life is about moving outside your comfort zones, about embracing the present moment, even if it scares the sh*t out of you. Right now is the time for you to meet Spanish strangers at a café and let them whisk you off to a party in the Latina quarter of Madrid. Only now will you rent a moped in Thailand for five dollars with absolutely no idea where to go. It’s these years that you’re supposed to make mistakes, get into trouble and learn to live life as openly as possible.

To be inspired
There’s a reason that some of the most influential and greatest artists of American literature spent their most creative years in Europe. There’s nothing more inspiring or life-changing than being engulfed in the beauty and culture of another world, another life. The colors, the smells, the people, the architecture, the squares of another city are enough to renew your soul and ignite your inhibitions. Besides, how else are you supposed to write your novels?

To humble yourself
It’s a valuable life lesson to live as the exile, the foreigner. In no other time or point in your life will you feel the cutting chill of being the outsider as you will living in a country that isn’t your own. You’re the new guy, the tourist no one takes seriously, and that will not only humble you, but give you a sense of empathy you never had before. It’s this grounding that will make you a better person, a more well-rounded person who will come home with a larger sense of what it means to be alive.

For the stories
A wise person once told me that life is a collection of experiences. Your life, and the legacy you leave, will be as full or as empty as you make it. Don’t you want to be one of those older people with countless stories of their youth spent traveling through the Arabian desert or hitchhiking from France to Spain? Don’t you want to tell your friends about the six months you spent living with a Spaniard, sipping sangria and learning to salsa dance?

For the friends who will play ambassadors
The people you meet abroad will play foreign ambassadors for the rest of your life. You will find yourself developing relationships in obscure corners of the world, conversing with people with different ideals, languages and cultures. You will find yourself with connections all over the world, coming back home only to know you now have friends all over the world. Next time you go to Sweden or Australia, you’ll not only have a place to stay, but a friend to show you the real parts of that country.

For the romance
If you’re in a sexual rut, there’s no better reason to pack up and head for somewhere new. Only in Europe can you play out your wildest fantasies of moonlit dinners at bistro cafés by candlelight. Only in South America can you go dancing with a man who whispers sweet nothings in your ear in a language you only understand through the longing of his words. Only somewhere else can you be whoever you want and let your inhibitions fall to the wayside. Shack up with an Italian for a few weeks and let yourself enjoy the idea that it doesn’t matter what, or who, you do while you’re “just visiting.”

For the food
Is there any better reason to travel than for the food? Seriously, how many days are you going to settle for Chipotle before you realize you could get four Spanish burritos that actually taste like “the original”? Don’t you want to try a real croissant? Who knows, maybe you’ll learn how to make paella or find some Italian cookies you’ll have imported to the US for the rest of your life. (Then you’ll be able to tell people you found the most delicious cookies in Sicily, and now you just have to get them shipped.)

To find yourself
There’s no better way to find yourself than to disappear from the daily grind and get lost somewhere along the Atlantic. Only once you remove yourself from the familiar can you find the truth. Only when you are abroad can you see your past life, your home, with a renewed sense of clarity. Going abroad gives you the time, space and moments of solitude you need for self evaluation and exploration.

Because once is never enough
Even if you went abroad in college, or spent two weeks in Europe after graduation, those memories will never be enough to satiate the longing in your soul. There is only so much you can take in, so many things you can do when you’re with your family on vacation or gaggle of friends. You need to see everything, do everything, again. It’s time to do it the right way, on your own. Because it could take a lifetime to be truly fulfilled by everything the world has to offer and those few times you went abroad should only make you thirsty for more.

For the perspective
A change of perspective is like taking a long deep breath after a long day. It’s important to change things up in life, to look at things from another angle, another way. Only going abroad will give you the distance you need to see your life from a renewed lens. Seeing another way of life is a great way to learn to appreciate your old one. Spending six months trying to communicate in another language will teach you to appreciate your own language and the capacity of those words. Because it’s not until you’ve begun missing home that you truly start appreciating it.

For your soul
Hemingway described Paris as a “moveable feast” and “wherever you go for the rest of your life, it stays with you.” The notorious writer set the standard for embracing life abroad, letting it become part of you. Because even when you go home, part of you will forever be changed by the experiences and renewed sense of self that comes with leaving everything behind and starting anew.

To gain strength
Strength comes from overcoming fears, inhibitions and facing situations that aren’t always within your comfort zone. Only once you’ve left the familiar can you begin to challenge yourself. They say that the strongest people are the ones who faced adversity head on and came out the other end. Only once you’ve been in a situation where you had to dig deep down and find a strength you didn’t know you had can you call yourself a stronger person.

To be an explorer
Why can’t you be the one who sets the trends, the one with the unique style who always has those one-of-a-kind pieces? Why can’t you find that pair of lambskin boots in the mountains of Switzerland from a local farmer’s wife or that spice that’s only grown in the farms of south east Asia. Life is about tasting, trying and finding new things, new experiences and new lessons.

To fall in love
Life is about falling in love with everything. It’s about finding a sense of comfort in a local café or that overwhelming sense of comfort that comes with connecting with a painting at the Prado. It’s about seeing and loving everything as if it’s the first and last time. Only when you’ve left and sought the comforts of another place can you experience the overwhelming joy of falling in love with everything around you for the first time.

To appreciate the moments
Only when you’ve sat at a café in Paris for two hours, watching the people and reading your favorite book that you learn to appreciate the small moments in life. It’s the rolling mountains and the busy outdoor markets of Barcelona that should take your breath away. It’s the miles of rice patties beneath the soft glow of the setting sun that should assuage the aching in your restless soul and introduce you to the simple pleasures that life can bring. Only when you’ve learned to live in the moment, seeing and taking in every second of the now, can you truly say you’ve lived life to the fullest.

http://elitedaily.com/life/need-pick-everything-travel-right-now/ 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

‘The Devil Wears Prada,’ A Boss, Not A B*tch: Why Women In the Workplace Get A Bad Rep















WOMEN • LAURA ARGINTAR • JAN 7, 12:30PM

You’ve undoubtedly heard of her, even if you’ve never met her. Her reputation precedes her, so much so that people can actually feel her icy presence before she’s entered the room. Miranda Priestly is the ultimate lady boss and you can bet she’s definitely wearing Prada; it’s the “devil” part we’re not so sure about.

The movie may only be loosely based on fact, but its central theme of women in power is a very real one in our contemporary workplace. Female bosses, in particular, are considered to be less likeable on many accounts, and not just by the males. According to a recent November 2013 Gallup poll, 35 percent of Americans prefer a male manager, as compared to 23 percent who prefer a female. Why is there a significant difference in gender preference?

Women in the office get a tough rep, especially those in managerial positions. If we’re too ambitious or goal-oriented, we’re perceived as demanding or aggressive. But if we sit back and let someone else take the lead, we’re not “leaning in” sufficiently.

In “The Devil Wears Prada,” Miranda Priestly is portrayed as cruel, cutthroat and mercurial, but despite those negative attributes, she also happens to be a great employer. Priestly successfully spearheads the premier women’s magazine portrayed in the film, manages an entire staff and is completely dedicated to her job. Though her methods may be unconventional and, yes, at times brusque, you cannot argue that Priestly consistently delivers as an invaluable Editor-in-Chief.

It’s worth noting that there are few female mentors for women in high-power positions. For this reason, there is a small pool of qualified role models for the influx of women executives in the workplace. For lady bosses, it’s lonely at the top.

Due to the lack of females in upper-level roles, it’s also easier for us to make casual assertions about their managerial styles. We say things like, “She seems like such a bitch to work for,” despite never meeting this woman; whereas, someone like Ari Gold from “Entourage” is revered and hallowed for holding his employees to impossible standards. There are simply more men in his identical position behaving the same way, which builds Ari Gold’s credibility.

We can’t help but wonder, if Miranda Priestly were a dude, would she get as much backlash for being so assertive? With the appropriate soundtrack and character foils, yes, she does come across as menacing and even evil at times; however, if we strip away all those (heaven forbid!) poly-blend layers, upon further inspection, it appears that Ms. Priestly is actually the perfect boss, even when gender isn’t a factor.

She might be tough, but when you’re the face of almost a billion-dollar company, you can’t be soft. We can all learn something about leadership from a woman who was so powerful that she transcended fiction.

Here’s why Miranda Priestly is a lady boss and not a lady bitch.

1. She holds high standards and pushes her employees to meet them
Miranda is only as strong as her supporting team is, which is why she expects so much from her employees. Someone in that high of a position needs a staff that can handle important requests and is prepared to work to their full potential. Miranda herself is not a slacker and only demands from her employees what she expects from herself.

Requiring her employees to dress well, for example, is a fitting policy for a high-fashion company that has to uphold a certain image. When she asks why no one is ready before a fitting, like any respective boss, Miranda expects everyone to be prepared for work. You can’t half-ass an important presentation, and Priestly wouldn’t dream of showing up unprepared.

Conversely, when her staff comes up with compelling ideas, she does give them praise. After Nigel says, “Zac Posen’s doing some very sculptural suits. So I suggested that Testino shoot them at the Noguchi Garden,” Miranda rewards him with a rare compliment: “Perfect. Thank God somebody came to work today.”

2. She’s direct about what she needs done
Andy Sachs may not always be able to interpret what her boss wants (like those 10 or 15 skirts from Calvin Klein: “Please bore someone else with your questions.”), but at least Miranda is straightforward in her requests. She doesn’t waste time (“By all means, move at a glacial pace, you know how this thrills me!”) and especially in the fashion industry, where everything needs to be completed immediately, she instills the appropriate sense of urgency.

More importantly though, Miranda Priestly never hides the fact that she’s a tough boss. She is always upfront to the applicants about her expectations and what the job entails. Andy might not have been ready for the assistant position, but she was certainly warned about what to expect.

Perhaps Priestly’s authoritative style was better suited for someone with greater discipline and ambition, like Emily.

3. She’s earned her respect and reputation
Miranda can get away with being a strict boss because she’s earned her title. She understands that success in the fashion industry relies heavily on her shoulders and she takes that responsibility seriously.

The scope of her power is best captured in her exact words: “However, that blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you’re wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room from a pile of stuff.”

Miranda Priestly dictates what clothes people are wearing every day, which bestows her with immense influence. She’s entitled to school Andy on hierarchy when her assistant steps out of line, just as the infamous Jordan Belfort does to his subordinates in “Wolf of Wall Street.”

Priestly clearly knows what is best for the fashion world. Since her opinion is “the only one that matters,” if she turns up her nose at a designer’s fashion collection (a la James Hoult), it behooves the designer to change his or her collection. This doesn’t make Miranda a condescending grouse; it makes her a discerning leader, who is doing her job and maintaining quality standards. Really, the designers should thank Miranda for saving them from bad press.

4. Miranda acts as a mentor
Although Andy doesn’t see it at first, Miranda is invested in her assistant’s growth at Runway magazine. Because she sees a lot of herself in Andy, Miranda is attune to her growth and wants her to work to her fullest potential. This might mean she’s tough on Andy, but Miranda is only trying to groom her for a higher position with greater responsibility. Even after Andy proves to be her mentor’s “biggest disappointment,” Priestly still personally recommends her for a new job.

5. She separates her personal and work life
Despite being in the public eye, Miranda does a solid job of keeping her personal life and work life separate. She doesn’t allow her divorce to shake up her routine or ruin her trip to Paris. Instead, she remains focused on the task-at-hand and effectively delegates dealings with the press to her public relations team.

In the same way, Miranda makes her work a priority when she flies down to Florida; although she has to miss her twins’ recital, she did try her best to make it there! Priestly understands that to be successful, you have to be driven and remain loyal to your job.

Photo credit: The Devil Wears Prada
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Monday, January 6, 2014

10 Myths About Drag Queens


I've already told you what I've learned from being married to drag queen, so I thought I would continue along those lines and debunk 10 myths about drag queens. Some of these are myths I myself believed before Jeff created Vivian, and others are myths I learned existed only after getting involved in the drag community.

1. All drag queens are gay.

It's true that the majority of drag queens are gay, but there is a small minority of queens who are straight. I honestly did not know this until I watched some of the audition tapes for last season of RuPaul's Drag Race. One of the contestants stated that even though he performs in drag, he is 100-percent straight. I was shocked to learn this, but it makes sense, because drag is an art form, not a way of life.

2. Drag queens want to be women.

OK, sadly, this is one of the myths I believed before I knew any better. Before I met Vivian and other drag queens, I believed that anyone who does drag wants to be a woman, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Though it is true that some drag gueens are transgender women, the majority of drag queens take part in the art form because they love it and because it offers them a creative outlet.

3. Drag queens only do drag for the money.

This one is so false that it is not even funny. Yes, some drag queens make a living from drag, but trust me when I tell you that the majority of drag queens I know have full-time jobs and spend more money than they make from drag. For most, drag is an extremely expensive hobby that they enjoy doing. Very few drag queens are lucky enough to make a living at it.

4. A drag queen is less of a man.

This is another myth that I believed before I met Vivian. I felt that drag queens aren't "real men." Unfortunately, for the first few years after coming out, I was young and extremely naïve, but once I started meeting drag queens and interacting with them out of drag, I realized how wrong I was. Now I believe that all of them are more of a man than I am, because they have the courage to do what they do. It takes an extremely confident man to put himself out there for others to judge and sometimes ridicule.

5. All drag queens are tops.

OK, I'm hoping everyone reading this knows what I mean by "top," so I'm not going to explain. Anyway, I never knew about this myth until after getting involved in the drag community, and it definitely is not true. I know several drag queens who are not tops. That's all I'm going to say on this topic!

6. Anyone can be a drag queen.

This myth kind of goes hand-in-hand with myth #4, because performing in drag is not easy, and not anyone can do it. You have to have that "it" factor. If you are going to be a drag queen, you need to be able to capture the audience's attention and keep them entertained. You also need to have a large heart and be willing to work for nothing to raise money for charities and help the community. Not everyone can do that.

7. Drag queens never use their "boy names."

Some will tell you that you should never use a drag queen's "boy name," and that is partially true, but it really depends on the queen and the situation. If he is in drag, then yes, you should use his drag name, especially if you don't know him well. I call Vivian "Jeff" sometimes when he is in drag, but I am his husband. I call all other queens by their drag names when they are in drag. I use their boy names only when they are in street clothes, and I will admit that even then I sometimes use their drag names. Whether you should use the person's boy name really depends on the situation and your relationship with him.

8. Wearing a dress makes you a drag queen.

This one couldn't be further from the truth, and I know this from personal experience. I have done drag for local charity events, and trust me: Even in drag, I am not a drag queen. I act and walk like a man even when wearing heels. You really need to be able to create a character to be a drag queen, and not everyone can accomplish that.

9. All drag queens are bitchy.

I won't say that there aren't some drag queens who can be extremely bitchy, but let's stop and look at it from their perspective. They are wearing multiple pairs of tights and heels that were not made for their foot shape; some are corseted, and some have their manhood tucked behind them. I think I would be a little on the bitchy side too. Add to that the fact that some people feel that they have the right to judge them and demand things from them. Being a drag queen is not easy and can cause some to be bitchy, but in reality, the majority of them are the nicest people. Most of them would give someone the shirt off their backs.

10. All drag queens shave.

Yes, the majority of drag queens shave their facial hair, but there is a form of drag that doesn't require shaving, and it's called "bear" or "skag" drag. In this form of drag, the queens keep their facial hair and apply makeup around it. There are also some drag queens who will shave their facial hair but not their arm or leg hair. It's all a matter of how the queen wants to present her art form.

There you have it: ten myths about drag queens, debunked! Remember, drag may not be for everyone, but these performers deserve your respect. What they do is truly an art form.

To read more, visit The Diary of a Drag Queen's Husband.
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